Yesterday I felt.
Hurt
Confused (so much confusion)
Sad
Guilt
Anger
I sobbed so much. I haven't cried that much for months. I could not stop crying. I did not leave the bed. I seemed like some crazy, delusional, hormonal woman. But afterwards I felt better. I slept for 12 hours and when I woke up you told me to be strong. I sat and thought about everything, about our emotional guidance systems, why they're there and what they represent to us. I stepped away from emotion and entered logic.
A wise woman once told me that uncomfortable emotions are vital. They are our body’s way of saying “pay attention”. It has been said that we get what we want in life to the extent that we are willing to pay, and what we have to pay is attention. To the extent that we do not pay attention, we pay with pain… often this is emotional pain: overwhelming rage, depression, anxiety, jealousy and so on. Overwhelming emotions are usually the product of holding onto negative emotions from the past in relation to certain events. These colour the way we respond to certain situations. For instance, if we have not expressed our anger and paid attention to it in the past, we may have bottled it up and up and up, until it spills out as rage. This is so true, if we had never experienced emotion and tied it to an experience from our past then we wouldn't be so emotional in our lives today. We would just accept situations, learn and move on. Without the complication of emotion to colour the processing of the situation.
I'm still kinda struggling but it kinda makes sense...i'm still pretty confused...as I feel like the last year of knowing you hasn't actually been true.